DONATION DAY : The Hospital According to Monty Python

[Jewish music-- 'Hava Nagila']

ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Five: 
Live Bone Marrow Donation

          ----- with apologies to my donor -----

MR. BROWN: Don't worry, dear! I'll get it!  Yes?

MAN: Hello. Uhh, can we have your bone marrow?

MR. BROWN: My what?

MAN: Your bone marrow.  It's a complex, ehh, system inside your bones 
     that produces blood cells.

ERIC: [sniff]

MAN: You know, it's, uh,-- it's very complex. It's sort of, uhh,--

MR. BROWN: Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it!

ERIC: Come on, sir.

MR. BROWN: Hey! Hey! Stop!

ERIC: Don't muck us about.

MR. BROWN: Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Hey!

MAN: Hallo.

MR. BROWN: Get off.

MAN: What's this, then? Mmh.

MR. BROWN: A bone marrow donation card.

MAN: Need we say more?

ERIC: No!

MR. BROWN: Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 
           'In the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.

MAN: No one who has ever had their bone marrow taken out by us has survived.

MR. BROWN: Agh.

ERIC: Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Zip it up.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: 'Ere. What's going on?

MAN: Uh, he's donating his bone marrow, madam.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?

MAN: That's right, madam.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Typical of him!

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, 
            comes home all full of good intentions.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: He gives blood. He does cold research. All that sort of thing.

MAN: Oh.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

ERIC: Ehh.

MRS. BROWN: What do you, uh,-- what do you do with them all, anyway?

ERIC: They all go to saving lives, madam.

MRS. BROWN: Mmm. That's what he used to say. 'It's all for the good 
            of the country' he used to say.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Hm?

MRS. BROWN: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?

MAN: Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just, uh, 
     doing our jobs, you know.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: You're not... doctors, then?

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh. Blimey no.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN and ERIC: [laughing]

YOUNG MAN: Mum. Dad. I'm off out now. I'll see you about seven.

MAN and ERIC: [laughing]

MRS. BROWN: Right-o, son. Look after yourself.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh. Now.

ERIC: M-hmm.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MRS. BROWN: Do you, um,...

ERIC: [mumble]

MAN: Carry on.

MRS. BROWN: ...fancy a cup of tea?

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh, well, that would be very nice.

MRS. BROWN: Oh.

MAN: Thank you.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Thank you very much, madam.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Thank you.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Oh, eh,-- I thought she'd never ask.

ERIC: You know it.

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Uhh, you do realize, uh, he has to be, uh,... well, dead,... 
     by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his bone marrow.

MRS. BROWN: Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me. Silly man!

MR. BROWN: [screaming]

MAN: Only I was wondering, ehh,... well, you know, what you was thinking of doing
     after that. I mean, [sniff] will you stay on your own,... or is there, 
     uh,... well, someone else, sort of, uh,... on the horizon?

MRS. BROWN: I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.

MAN: Not at all. You're a very attractive woman.

MRS. BROWN: Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.

MAN: Sure?

MRS. BROWN: Sure.

MAN: Can we have your bone marrow, then?